I’m sorry I’m not enough for you.
You think we can’t be lovers, only friends trying for it; you think your feelings will never truly be authentic because they are a choice to act in a romantic way toward another instead of a reaction or response. You’re so focused on your own ideas of what love is and what makes your heart come alive that you can’t see a different potential; you can’t give that up. My head hangs low as I walk away. It’s painful for me to have you in my life and know that no matter what we do seems to fall short of the true authentic love that you desire. I am a love sure, but not “the” love – or so you feel. You don’t understand what we can truly be together if you’d just let go. Yet, why do I feel shamed and empty? It’s so frustrating. How can I get you to focus on me and truly take me all in, instead of you holding a place in your heart for something else?
I’m sorry you think I’m not enough for you physically. I am beautiful. I am something special. I am me. Why can’t you love that? Does my chest not have a heart behind it? Do my legs not allow me to go with you into the world where you lead? Doesn’t my face express my delight in you and kiss you sweetly? I’m sorry that the way I am isn’t responsive to your every sexual desire and doesn’t satisfy all your emotional curiosities. Even so, I am not so simple; I am still a mystery; can’t you find that enough? Doesn’t my whole being move toward you and entrust you with my weight? Can’t we build a life together?
I’m sorry you say I’m not on the same emotional wavelength as you. You tell me that I don’t have enough dark passion and that your heart longs to live in complicated emotion and desire. Pardon me as I patiently listened to you cry about never having enough in your life. About how everything is falling away. About how you languish in melancholy. About how you can’t share anything with anyone because no one gets it, or truly gets you, or feels as gripped down to their core as you. Well, actually, we ALL get it. No one can live up to what’s in your heart. You want everyone to live YOUR experiences because they are truly the best. In fact, no one else’s experiences are good enough because they are a mediocrity of true passion compared to yours; everyone else is settling for something simpler. We have an open mind and don’t always compare a situation to our fixed and narrow desires. Instead, we learn to love a broader perspective other than our own – or, we try and make our thoughts a happy reality rather than a comparison. We want to share experiences, not coddle our egos by trying to control circumstances. Learn that your world isn’t the only world out there. Live in your own subjective world if you want. Enjoy being lonely. We don’t want your isolationist crap.
Truth be told, you are an emotional child. You truly have little control if satisfaction slips so easily from your grasp. You try and draw all your emotional energy from a past experience or from a fantasy instead of drawing it from your present circumstances. You can’t just accept things for how they are. Why? I believe it is because you are scared. You are so used to what was or what could be because it can be controlled or part of a performance or creation. But really, you are afraid of how things are because you are exposed and would rather strive to perform and control to protect your subjective self.
Why don’t you live in reality? Stop creating a layer of imagination and design on reality. It’s easier to live in a fantasy; it’s for cowards because you aren’t giving anything up. It may feel like you are actually living because you can subjectively cherish imagined potential so much that it provides you emotional gratification in the present. But really, that is but an element of life, and should not be the entirety. Instead, you should be filled with gratitude for how things are now and then look forward and richly create reality where currently nothing exists; that is the true life and reward. Instead, when you look at the present, all you see is the negative. You see what is missing, focusing on it so much that you crowd out the good from your consciousness. How can you have anything positive that way? You should instead see the positive as a platform of trust and begin building life from there. Trying to build life within a void ignores the power of life outside of that void that can grow and fill new spaces. But instead you take the emptiness, not the life.
Brokenness In Perception
Something in your past has caused this brokenness. And because I don’t measure up to your ideas of what you want, you don’t even see me for who I really am here in the present because you are distracted. You don’t see or value what I can offer you in the future. All of me. I can offer you all of me, to the depths of my soul if you would so take it. Already you have taken parts of me as I have shared with you. But you treat it as if it is nothing. You throw it away. You let it fall. It doesn’t fulfill you. And so you want something else. And so I offer you more, which you accept, but in the end you only see it as friendship. The funny thing is, you think you are offering me your soul. But don’t you see that I am doing the same, if not more? How can you be so blind? I don’t feel a person would willingly choose to live in their own shell of imagined reality. How can you not even see what of my world I have provided for you, all for you to squander and devalue? Do I not share it in a way that you can recognize? Do you find what I share devoid of anything to latch on to? How can you not see the world I am trying to bring you into?
It’s sorrowful. I can’t be with you. Not like this. Not ever. You take, and what you give, while a piece of yourself, isn’t truly meant for me. It is meant for someone else that you want to love. It’s not me. I want to be that. I want to accept your heart. But when I do, you want love back in the way that you want love, which is not what I can offer according to your present focus – a self-delusional focus. I want you to take my heart. But ultimately, you leave it out to dry in the wake of you pursuing your other desires, selfish, delusional, of the past, or not. We are truly in different worlds.
I am a person capable of changing the world. I’m capable of changing your world. You don’t see that in me. You only see me as something to be confined to the place and role you intuitively assign me in your life. At your best, I’m someone to fear and cling to because I’m too precious to be shared – I am your intimate friend. At your worst, you are self-righteous and indignant toward me because you don’t feel I live up to your desires. You don’t see me as something of extraordinary depth. You don’t desire me down to my very soul – at least for not very long. I want a lifetime with you. But you just want what you can get when you want it. I don’t want to have to pander to your ideas of fantasy because it’s not who I am, and I will not play the game to get your attention. You need to show progress in reality, not be enticed by fantasy. You don’t appreciate me as I am. You don’t see me as something to be free, empowered, and nurtured. You can’t even take the time and energy to let me grow and flourish. Your “love” towards me provides no sustenance. And yet you want more, yet I am not enough. You are a not a gardener of spirits, but a harvester of emotional life. You drain the life out of me. I cannot provide for you any longer.