In the Midst of Deafening Silence
I don’t know why I’m writing this. I still can’t bring myself to talk to you. My heart is still filled with frustration toward you. But it is also filled with compassion and longing to know you, and to thank you for the time you spent with me. I hate this silence. It kills me. We are depriving each other of one another for what end? Each and every day in the passing months the silence widens the rift between us and it burdens my soul. You are silent because of your shifting focus to the new and old areas of your life. And I’m silent because I need to let you and as I try to live my own life without dependence on you.
I have been doing well for a few weeks. So why now? Why am I pulled back to the dark? Why is my heart torn asunder once again to bleed out? I don’t get why I feel this way. You told me that you’d be open to reconciling so there is limited animosity on your end. But your silence, your damn silence, the void of nothing as if I don’t exist, destroys me.
Through Which Separation Is Inevitable
You once wrote me that you were so disheartened that you didn’t even feel like doing anything. And you were at the point of not even wanting to talk. Is this what you were feeling? Feeling as if the very person you love thinks about you as nothing and have nothing to offer, such that they don’t even dwell on a single thought of you? That they can’t lavish upon you a single kindness or appreciation? When I think on it like this, I despair and am brought to tears. How am I so worthless to not even be counted by you? To not even be spared a single ounce of grace? To not even be spoken to? To not receive any hope from you? To not receive any comfort? Why do we have to separate? Why? Why can’t we go through the adjustment together?
From my current perspective, when I think about you, I get pulled back again and you are causing me to suffer. Except it is all in my head of course. I mean, your silence and absence is because you aren’t a part of my life. You are choosing…not me. You technically aren’t causing me any pain because the only thing that I face is myself. My memories. The lessons. The things I haven’t forgotten and hold on to. Am I to let go of those? When I think of erasing my memories of you, it is impossible. Just even seeing your name in my head recreates all our past. So am I to erase your name from my life?
Into The Pit of Death
Your silence kills me. Without anything from you, my thoughts turn against myself, for where else can my thoughts go? My thoughts and emotion now become a prison of my own death. Am I wrong? Is that why you are silent? Do I deserve such punishment? Is it justified? Are you my judge? Or do I deserve even more and you are showing me mercy? Am I being selfish looking or longing from something from you? Don’t I just have a fixation, a remaining emotional bond and attachment? Is such a thing a sin?
Condemning voices say that I wouldn’t have these problems in my heart and emotions if I just behaved and let things go and moved on. How can I move on? It’s the negative emotions that oppress me to the point of stagnation; I’m trapped by the weight, so how can I ever escape? Do I need to learn to deny myself and the emotions I feel? Am I not allowed to live from my emotional center? Must I give up my own sense of emotional self because you demand that I give up my lingering attachments? Do you really require such a hasty path? A path of fear? Don’t my strong emotions simply reveal that I am suffering an emotional wound? Is that a crime? I need to heal! I need to acknowledge my wound! I must take care of myself.
Condemning voices gnash their teeth at me; how dare I hold onto my emotional wound! They say that I’m not disciplined, that I’m addicted, and I don’t have a strong enough will. The voices SCREAM at me! I feel their anger, wrath and fear. The voices attempt to strike fear in my heart. The voices try and shake my own belief in myself and to give in and follow
Urging my heart coercively, they to change, fix myself, focus on something else, and get off of my issue now!!! Move! Do something! Don’t hold onto things anymore! I’m selfish to hold onto her in any way!” They say I need to force things, give an intentional death to such emotional attachments instead of a natural one. It’s the responsible thing to do; it’s the caring thing to do. But such voices want me to become inhuman and crush my heart!
In this stress and pressure, I ask if my emotions and lingering fixations are unhealthy and condemnable. Are my emotions selfish? Is it my fault that my emotions exist because I haven’t let them go? Is that what causes this pain? Is it entitlement? Envy? Insecurity? A sick desire for control? A want or a need for dependence on her? Lack of discipline? A lack of will?
If all of this is my choice, then I ought to be condemned! I get sick to my stomach when I think in this way. I feel shame. I feel this way because my focus, thoughts, emotions are all “wrong”. I’m “stuck” because I’m selfish…condemnable…despicable…suicide…I succumb to darkness and let my own light disappear. I choose to abandon myself.
No. This is the wrong way.
The Light. A Life Of My Own.
Don’t I see that I am putting my entire existence into my perception of approval from another person? Their silence kills me? It’s MY EXISTENCE! Why would I ever give all my power of existence away to anyone else? I have a right to exist, no matter the mistakes I’ve made and no matter how much separation I feel. To give up my right to exist is to allow self-hatred, self-abandonment, and betrayal to weaken my own spirit to the point of being forsaken to hell. Don’t I feel how much energy I consume and the dark pain I endure in order crush my spirit like this? Do I even know know how much spiritual energy it takes to kill my own sense of self? Such energy is of an evil work. It is an outright denial of myself – my own existence, validity, and worth!
I have a life to live. I have a change to grow. This suffering is temporary. It does not define me. It only defines my sorrow and longings. Condemnation, shame, invalidation, and worthlessness are not healthy motivators.
If I actually listened to those around me, they seem to just say “that I just shouldn’t think about it the pain.” That “it is just a matter of time until it all works out.” That I am the one choosing to suffer. I don’t understand. Can I really control my thoughts? Can I really silence my heart’s pain and influence on my mind? I don’t believe that. I don’t believe you should EVER silence anything that is causing you pain from the inside. I need listen, understand, feel, grieve, and heal through the pain. From it, I can grow rather than suffer through it in ignorance or tear my heart away in shame and control. Maybe it is all in my mind. Maybe I need space from the emotions. Maybe I need let my heart rest. But these are all temporary solutions. I’ll eventually need to face it. I’ll need to be curious and courageous, even if I’m scared and insecure. To help me face it, I need to set boundaries outside of me and within me so that I can heal. I need to learn to turn the pain from a foe to a friend.
I need to stop thinking about it as a burden and rather as an opportunity to grow myself. So, to where? What is the purpose? Can I unlock new perspectives in life to help me cope and learn? Can I learn new levels of vulnerability, self-love, compassion, empathy, and gratitude?
Yes, I can. But the means and mission should not be for these things in the end. God is the definitive truth. The definitive boundary maker. The definitive focal point. The definitive perspective. Everything else is subjectively made from the world. God’s vantage point and truths are eternal and made for us to follow and align with. We must seek this path to know Him and what He has set out for us as individuals. Ask. Pray. Be broken. After sorrow, learn to repent from you heart. To repent is to learn and take action. We don’t simply endure the pain, but instead we seek God to change our minds and hearts, renewing ourselves completely. It’s easy with love. In Him we’ll find rest. Not just ease and peace, but freedom from striving and destructive patterns and systems that control our life. Understanding God’s love can begin to fill the holes. I am whole. I am loved. God loves. And so I can love others. I need to start acting and thinking out of wholeness rather than brokenness. I can begin loving unselfishly and wholeheartedly once I understand and feel God’s love making me whole.
I wrote this article when I was in despair and believed that my existence and my worth was dependent on getting acknowledgement and love from a singular person. It was a dark place, suffering under the incredible gravity of my soul and well-being existing on a hope outside of myself. It was as if you look into the night sky which only has one star. You used to have a relationship with that star, looking to it to brighten the night, or to send it a wish. But eventually, that star becomes your world and you disregard the very the planet you are standing. You begin to feel so utterly worthless so much so that you are willing to die begging at the star for something, ANYTHING, rather than believe you can find any sustenance on your own in your own world. That previous relationship now becomes an object to validate something inside yourself, giving rise to dark emotions. Your heart becomes sick. It fills with longing, envy, jealousy, anger, and entitlement because what is sought is more of an object than a person or relationship.We desire something to fill our souls. That relationship and focus is simply a medium at best. All of this is unhealthy and is not of God. In the end, our worth, being, and existence depends on nothing we could ever seek. Not affirmation. Not our own accomplishments (people who feel worthless can’t even truly acknowledge their own accomplishments anyway). Our worth has been shown to us by God. He didn’t give us worth. We, by creation, are already of the utmost worth, and Christ’s death on the cross in part was to reveal how much we are worth to God Himself. We are valuable to Him, because we are His children and we are His means to radiate His love to all others. What a gift. We are worth it.