Stop. Stop! STOP!!!
Slow down. Your mind is going way too fast. Settle down! You have nowhere to go. Nowhere to think to. Be here! Be STILL! Let your heart slow down. With each ever slower beat of your heart, your mind begins to unwind further and further and further…
Repeat the top instructions until you are calmed down. Read each phrase slower and slower. Read each word slower and slower. Understand what each word means. Concentrate on the definitions of EACH word. Think about the word’s gravity. Think about the meaning. Align your entire being and mind with that word. Obey the words. Know the words. Understand the words. Unwind. Be still.
Before we begin, this post is going to be very strange. It won’t explain itself, but it will try and lead you to a place, perspective, and understanding to begin ask questions about yourself. This post is more of an exercise. A meditation. A focal point for YOU, for you to find yourself and to know your self. I wrote this as my mind was racing out of control and all of my life felt like it could all crash down around me. Slow down. Be here. Unwind. You are safe. You are new. But you must begin your journey alone and find the beginning of time.
Time is frozen. You are alone in a white room. All you can do is think. You have nowhere to go. You have nothing to do. It’s just you. Your past. Your memories. Your present life. Each of these things you see and remember as they are held within your mind.
But in the end, it is just you. You. You have no ties. No bonds. It is just you.
Sit in this white room, alone. Close your eyes. Wait.
Let the seconds pass.
Think about the good things in your life. Think. Bring each one to mind. Be gracious. Be loving. Be cherishing. Be thoughtful. Be thankful. All these things are good.
Wait. Let the seconds pass.
Think about the bad memories and mistakes. Or think about unfulfillment. Think about how you or others never lived up. Your feelings begin to flood your mind. Doubt. Uncertainty. Longing. Wishfulness. Grasping. Despair. Loneliness. Darkness. Pain. Anger. Hurt. Regret. Wrath. Pride. Desire. Perfection. Failure. Impossibility.
Wait. Let the seconds pass.
You Are Human. Experience it.
How long are you going to sit in this room thinking about subjective things?
Subjective things? Yes, subjective things. Subjective thinking allows us to mull, and in the dwelling, we can pull ourselves into delusion, dysfunction, and despair.
We first must begin to see the absolute truth, not the subjective. By definition, subjective is:
1. existing in the mind; belonging to the thinking subject rather than to the object of thought (opposed to objective).
2. pertaining to or characteristic of an individual; personal; individual: a subjective evaluation.
3. placing excessive emphasis on one’s own moods, attitudes, opinions, etc.; unduly egocentric.
4. Philosophy. relating to or of the nature of an object as it is known in the mind as distinct from a thing in itself.
5. relating to properties or specific conditions of the mind as distinguished from general or universal experience.
6. pertaining to the subject or substance in which attributes inhere; essential.
So, how long are you going to let your feelings color each thought that comes into your mind?
How powerful are your memories and feelings such that they consume your whole mind and perception as you relive them?
Or have you suppressed your feelings? Have you kept yourself at a distance? Are you afraid of the gravity and where they will pull you to?
I didn’t mean to pull you into this trap. I simply wished for you to recognized a part of your nature to gravitate toward this kind of thinking and feeling. It is a tool. It is a gift. But it is also is a curse if left unchecked or out of balance.
You are human. You can experience emotions like an all consuming tidal wave. As you are overpowered, how blinded are you to the future? Your focus is short sighted as you are drowned in emotion. Your focus is only on the present thing in your mind as you re-experience the sights, the sounds, the feelings, and the meanings of it all. It is ok. Live in that emotion. Be consumed by it. Be in the past. Be in the present. You are human. It will happen. We need to understand that condition and yet stand part from it.
See yourself. Can you see your current self apart from the things in your mind? Can you separate yourself from your emotions and from your experiences? Is your past weightless? Is your identity new and free and not tied to anything from before? When you truly think, how heavy is your past? How much does it pull on you? Is your current vision so innocent, or are you looking with wisdom as you remember your past mistakes and successes?
By this exercise, we can understand how subjectively the meaning in your past is coloring your steps and is serving as a lens into the future. Without being able to discern ourselves from it, how can we ever start anew? Where are you going to find a place for that past? Can you find rest for it? Or is your past simply a painting that stretches out behind you while your steps and forward glances are into a great white expanse of opportunity?
In that wisdom, perhaps you are free. But as you let your emotions overtake you, as you let the passions and memories envelop you like a great sea, how free are you? Your past has indeed created walls, insecurities, and preferences that you cannot ignore. As you let other people get closer and closer to you, these will be revealed. Don’t fool yourself that your past is the past. While you are free from it, it lingers as your shadow waiting for the right kind of light to reveal it, or to erase it.
Find Yourself Apart From Your Past
Separating From Your Past – Step 1 – Stopping the Playback and Freeing Your Mind
Stop. You are alone. Your entire past is gray scale. Your entire past is stopped. The sea of emotion is frozen in time. You see your past now as static images. Snapshots. Not a movie that envelops your mind. Pictures. One by one. As you replay each snapshot slowly, you smile or cry at the sentiments. But now you start to see the facts. The bigger perspective. A context other than your own. You see life not from your perspective but from a third person perspective. At last, you start to feel your past as separate from your present. The sentiments are there. But you are HERE. Alone. In this white room. More objective. When you look around, when you think about yourself and your future, are you still thinking subjective things, based on the sentiments of your past?
Separating From Your Past – Step 2 – Let The Past Fade Into the Present
Stop. You are alone. Your entire past is white. It blends in with the room. As you look for your past, let the past blend into the walls and become one with the white color. No longer is your past like an ocean of memories and emotions. All is white. It fades into the walls. Your past is CLEAN. As I said the word clean, what jumped into your mind? Was it a dark color of sorrow and mistake? Was it red as the color of love? What was it? Whatever it was is still keeping you subjective. It is anchoring you to your past and your present and future thoughts are colored by it. Identify it and understand that this colors your objectivity through insecurity.
The Present. Here and Now, You Can Have Clarity.
Let this anchor vanish. Your past is clean. Clean. White. You now look down at your solar plexus and you see the solid mass of your body. How heavy is it? Does it weigh upon you? As you think about looking down at your body, let your eyes and mind perceive a light from above. Don’t look up. You won’t find the light. But your eyes are closed and they perceive a light from above you that makes your mass feel lighter. You are lighter. Your body is just a body. Transparent.
Look at your legs and arms, transparent. Perhaps you see your veins carrying life from your shoulders through your chest to your stomach, to your feet, and back up. Now look at your heart. Look at it as it beats. That is a deeper part of you, one of raw human nature. Your head and mind sit above your heart and can take you far away in to your thoughts, to a future, to an imagination. Clear all of that. Your head can fabricate and plan. But your heart can truly feel. Your heart is much more complicated and has a world of its own.
Look at your heart as it beats. Then center your being in your heart. You have nothing else to do. You are in this white room. All white. All alone. Experience the present fully as your heart. It beats. Beat. Beat. It’s loud. It’s heavy. It’s alive. Beat. Beat. This is your heart. You are anchored here in this room by your heart. What does your heart want? Let it tell you. Let it show you.
Your heart, like a projector, plays your memories on the white walls. Your watch your heart’s projection. Your being just watches. Your heart is telling you something now independent of your mind. Your heart is showing you your life. Your head is just watching, clear of sentimentality. Clear of subjectivity. You want to understand what your heart IS. What your heart is showing you. What your heart is trying to tell you?
Your heart shows you your story. After your heart stops projecting, you look down at your heart like a small child. With love, but as an objective adult. You see the facts. You see the emotion your heart feels, but you simply know of it and don’t have to feel it. You see plainly what is in your heart. With words. With color. But you look into it with objective eyes.
Is that what is in your heart? How is it that your heart is so different than your head? How can you feel such powerful things without them being so present in your thoughts? How can you feel such joy, such longing, or such sorrow? The projection stops. All in this room is again white. All things in your head are facts and an understanding of life without feelings. Objectivity. See clearly.
What did your heart show you? What values did your heart show you? What is your heart showing you that you need to protect? What is your heart urging you to resolve and overcome at a deeper level? What is your heart asking you to reconnect with? Perhaps it is your innocence. Your purity. Yourself. Are you going to reconnect? Because if you do, you need to reconnect with yourself with the values and protection your heart is showing you. You can’t just reconnect with your head and mind. Not this time.
Everything is white. Everything is erased. What do you value? Living authentically? Loving your family? Giving and serving others? Learning about the world and making it a better place? What are your principles? How are you living?
As your mind is taking over, you may start to think that you are living by all this currently. Did your heart show a darkness that you are living apart from that still sleeps within you? Or perhaps not. Perhaps your heart showed you a purity that you are trying to live by, but not realizing. Go back to your heart. See the true purity. See the blinding innocence and white light that radiates from your heart even in the shadows and darkness revealed. Let your heart show your mind what your life could be in the areas you currently focus on with this innocence present from your heart. Not as things are. But as they could be in innocence. Smile. Don’t let your mind become cloudy. Remember this innocence. Always. Always be present in this innocence in your mind. Don’t let your mind shut it. Resist the world. Resist the pressure to give in and to not remember or protect this innocence. This is your dream. This is your new world. This is your new goal. Strengthen your innocence and live it out in your life. Don’t EVER give up.
Now you see what your life could be. But you are pulled back into the white room. White. All alone. But now with the thought of innocence in your mind. What are your values? Become objective. Your feelings that colored your past in vibrancy or darkness are weight upon you that you must let go of. Your vision is now white. It is bright. It is innocence. Look back through the past with this bright beam of innocence and let it reveal only the good and innocent things in each moment. This is your new past. You are clean. All else was because of the world and your complex focus on happiness, or perhaps a darkness that overtook you, willing or not. These things made you think and do things so that you could try to find a sliver of innocence in those moments. Or it these are moments where innocence was let go. All of that is color. But what you want from those moments is the innocence. Your past is clean. You are clean. You now remember and know innocence.
What are your values? Simplify them. All of your values pale in comparison to innocence. Innocence reigns supreme. Let your values follow innocence. Let your mind and thinking change such that you walk in light and walk in innocence. Begin renewing your mind. The past is the past. You now have reclaimed your innocence. It may be small. It may be big. It may be empowering. It may yet be weak.
Find your innocence’s worth. Find your confidence. Don’t be scared of how weak you are if you feel that way. For those of you who feel strong and empowered, temper that excitement as a master guides a powerful steed at a walking pace. You will need to walk through life powerfully, but gentle. You need a master. For those of you who feel weak, you are not weak. You only imagine yourself as weak. You yet do not know. You yet cannot stand up for yourself. You yet cannot defend yourself. You yet cannot channel your innocence. You feel overpowered by the world. You feel weak and worthless. But really, your innocence has been given to you. It is yours to nurture and to empower. Your innocence can give you inner light that will grow so bright that it will radiate within you to the outer world. It may take time. You will need to learn about your innocence. How to cherish it. How to protect it. You’ll need a place in this world that is safe from all adversity.
The only safe place in this world for your innocence and your maturation is in God. He gave you your innocence. He wants to show you a life and a world of light. He came down to see you and leave you a path to him. He came down to the depths of your soul and sin and put that seed of innocence there. He never left you alone. He was calling to you in that innocence. You have rediscovered it. Let Him teach you about your innocence. Let him be your master, your Father. Learn from Him. Your values. Your thinking. Your life. Your future. This innocence is the soul God put in you. And your soul is listening to the Holy Spirit within you. Are YOU listening to the Holy Spirit within you? All the above is a visualization of a prayer that asks the Holy Spirit to reveal in you what is good, what is bad, and what is pure. You are broken. But you are clean in following God. Seek Him.
All are white. All are clean! Praise be to the Lord!
Notes: This post is largely incoherent, overly conceptual, and the metaphors/images/visions are not well articulated and defined. The writing continually ask the reader to answer questions about an experience or a picture that they may or may not be holding in their mind because the writing hasn’t brought them effectively to that place. The writing isn’t meant to be a “new age” exercise. Underneath it are core principles of (mind/body/spirit distinction, anchored prespectives based on wounds/guilt/shame, reveal key wounds/issues locking us in perspective without our heart, imagine a new purity, heal, help with the Spirit of God). In the end, what if the new age stuff tried to approach things this way without concrete principles, but only wayward adventures that don’t harden into full lessons? There needs to be a mix in the approach, and this post needs to be reworked.