Stories of Disconnection #2

The following story is the result of a tragic choice and separation from God. It tells of the hardness of a person’s heart and that detachment from all things ends up destroying all that is good in a person’s life.

A Tragic Love

I stared at her across the couch. She saw me. I saw her. My body was talking; my mind was silent and blank, just watching. The real me was already far away. It didn’t remember anything. The past I had created with her was inaccessible. It couldn’t remember all the sentimental moments we shared over the life we had together. My body was on a mission. It was cold. It was delivering the hard lines, “After all this time, it’s still not working. We need to end our relationship. We both deserve more than this.”

Her Concern

She looked at me with glaring eyes. “I don’t believe you,” she said. “No, I don’t believe one word. After all we’ve shared. After all we’ve been through. You aren’t happy? Bull shit. That’s just what you are saying because you don’t know the real issue. You don’t know why you feel empty inside, or whatever you feel that you’ve been trying to explain to me. You can’t engage your heart? Something is dysfunctional? Because you are empty inside? I filled you with my love! I’ve shared my life with you! How can you be empty, unfulfilled? Can you feel nothing? Can you remember nothing? How can my heart not beat within you? How can you be so hollow? How can you be so cold?”

She started to cry, but I knew the dynamic wasn’t turning sorrowful. “How? How? How can you say this? How can you say that I don’t know you? How can you even THINK that I am not the right person? I am a person, aren’t I? I know I’m not perfect, but I am the only person who has gotten this close to you, and I am the only person who has gotten this far in love. That’s right. I love you. Why else would I be here? I love you and yet you seem too ignorant to realize and value it in your life. Does it really mean nothing to you? Can you not bear it?”

My body said, “I just don’t see any other way. We just don’t work like we are supposed to. I’m sorry.”

She stared piercingly at me. First, my mind could see that she just stared at my body, my exterior. My mind and heart felt safe. I knew that my shell would protect me. After all, I am disconnected. I even…smiled.

With that smile, she stared right into my eyes and spoke directly to my inner consciousness – the inner life and existence that only I knew and struggled to realize and communicate. My mind had walled up my heart; my ego had spoken its beliefs. With her gaze, I felt my guard and heart soften a bit. Or perhaps I had simply given myself away? My heart was sorrowful…ashamed. Was I really running away? Why wasn’t I expressing my trust self?

“How could you do this?” she said. “How could you let this happen? Why did you let it get this far? Why have you forsaken me? Why does our past mean nothing to you in this moment? Do you really think our past was so shallow? Do you really feel that I never appreciated you or paid you in kind for whatever you were looking for? What pain have you gone through to make you so callous?

Just now, you said all these things to me, but that isn’t the real you. I’m now talking to the real you inside. And I ask, what do you really want from me? WHAT DO YOU WANT?!  Tell me. Just tell me. It can’t be that hard. What are you longing for? What do you need?

Perhaps you need time. I’ll give you that. Perhaps you need intimacy, different than what is in our relationship. I’ll give you that, but first we need to figure out how.

You need to first let the hard casing of your heart melt away. You need to meditate on what is all loving and good in this world. Maybe then your world will turn back to color and your heart turn tender. Perhaps then you will finally remember. Perhaps you will see how I held on to you with trust. Perhaps you will see how I let you carry me and how I surrendered to you. Perhaps you will remember how I never gave up on you. You’ll remember the sighs of pain and sighs of enduring that I breathed as you tried to destroy us like this time and time again.

Then, you need to identify what you truly want. I don’t care if it’s all in your head. Whatever is there is destroying you. It is destroying us. It isn’t real. What is in your head? Get it out! Explain it! Deal with it! Otherwise you’ll just be chasing your imagination your whole life, which will never leave you satisfied.

I’ll give you want you want. I’ll give you space. You need to be yourself. You need to remember everything. You need to stop being so self-centered. Your selfishness and pride has created this monster. I shall wait. I shall be there for him as the monster weakens. You shall not win! You shall not have him! You are nothing! Back you vile thing! Be vanquished!”

My Disconnection

I sat there stunned as she walked out of the room. Monster? Vile? Vanquished? I was confused. I could not understand these words. My body was still disconnected from my heart and my mind was numb. My mind only saw my mission, my pride, my selfishness, and my desire to live for myself. But I couldn’t even feel what my heart felt like. My heart heard her words but it had been protected from their weight. How do I start to live from my heart? I’m just going to sit here and let these words sink in, lest I forget the meaning of them. It’s so easy for the mind to just acknowledge without fully understanding and fully being aware. Instead, I must wait. I must let my full self reawaken. How long would that take? What monster? I know that part of me is a monster who feeds on pain, despair and dissatisfaction. The only way out seemed to be to break up with HER, the very woman I had shared so much with and served in acts of love.

Wait, what? I tried to break up with the woman I loved? Why? When I imagine the woman I loved, I imagine an objective thought. It doesn’t feel tangible. It feels so distant. I feel like an individual alone. I don’t feel like I belong to another. What can I possibly give another person?  Everything I touch and think turns to death. It’s like I’m toxic, sick, or poisoned. I am just being selfish, looking for my own self-gratification? Was I ever good? Was I ever full of love? I certainly feel calloused and numb. I can’t feel any energy inside of me. It’s as if my life-force is locked away. My insides are dead. I have no power. I have nothing. What happened? How did I become like this? How do I get out? I once loved romance. I had a million thoughts and feelings. And now? Silence. I feel nothing. My body is quiet. All I hear is the single train of thought in my head. Everything else about me is gone. Muted.

Is this the monster? My perception? My awareness? My ego? My inner voice? An emptiness of heart? Am I not gracious enough? Am I not selfless enough? Can I ever get my eyes off myself even as I serve others? Has this monster of consciousness consumed all of what I was, leaving me with nothing? Has it severed the ties to my feelings and memories? Has it encased my heart such that my heart cannot even hear a single thing within its prison? Did I create the monster in defense? Was I in so much doubt and so much emotional turmoil that I shut down? Did my psyche try and protect and express itself by creating a wall between my doubt and my outer world, instead of asking for help?? Did I attempt to detach from life and try to heal on my own in isolation?

Where do I go from here? I cannot make empty promises. I need to feel them. I cannot speak any words unless there is life within me. As I am now, I am hollow. A half-empty heart.

A Prayer for Help

I began to pray, Oh Lord, give me life! Fill me with love! I can’t see through this darkness. I can’t see my heart. It is imprisoned. My mind is unclear! All my thoughts are unclean. I know not what I am doing! I have nothing! I have forsaken everything! I feel I have become something so hardened and calloused that I can’t even feel anything in this world. I feel like I am nothing. I feel like everything around me is worthless. Can you guide me? Can you instill hope in me? Can you show me a light and a life? Can I come to believe it as my own? Can I be restored? I feel so broken. I continually forsake the world. I am a slave to my mind that hungers in despair for connection – real connection. But my intentions are destructive. How did they get this way? Am I not good? How am I so evil? I give off no life. I give off no love. If I do, it is inauthentic and shallow. I cannot love like other people. At least not now. I can’t even feel. I can’t even empathize. I can only think. I can only intellectualize. There is no connection in that. There is no humanity in that.

Let me discover you Lord. My life depends on it. Plant a seed in me and let it grow! I shall not let it die. Not this time. This time? I’ve done this before? I’ve been here before? How? How can I not remember?

Within me, I intuitively feel a voice speaking to my consciousness, and to my heart,”Yes, you have been here before. But over the course of your life, you have sought your own way. You have loved yourself. You have loved others by your own standards, but such love is a limited love. You have not renewed your love for Me – the fullness of love and abundance. You have not valued me above all things as the truth and the life. You have not remembered that I put life inside of you. You have forgotten my gift. Who fills up your heart with pure love? Who enables you to go beyond yourself and your own limits and be selfless in your spirit and share an abundant grace with others?

You worship not me, but an external world. I can grant you my power. But it is only yours to access as you come to me. To walk with me. To learn with me. You need me. Don’t you see now? YOU need ME!!! If you do life your way, you will surely die. You must saturate yourself with My presence. You need to ask me for every step to take. You need to ask me for direction in your life. You need to submit to me. You shall not seek anything. I will give you everything you are to do. You must come to know me. Come to love me. Only then can you truly love from the inside. You must be constantly renewed by me, else your heart slowly become callous just as you have already done. There is life in me. Apart from me, all will fail, all will falter, all will turn to dust. I am the Everlasting and you must seek me with all your heart and all your mind and all your soul.”

Hope. Love. Life. Through God. I must begin to learn. I must begin to seek. And what I shall find will begin to captivate me! It shall overtake me! But unless I seek and continually find God, I will forever wander a desert without a heart.

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